Printed in the Conscious Creation Journal
In Search of My Bliss – Part I
by Dale Evans
About four months ago I began an inward journey to uncover my intent. What was it that I really wanted to do? What would make me happy, not that I was unhappy, but what would make me excited to meet my days?
I’ve always been interested in what I used to call my spirituality. (Now I realize that there is no thing un-spiritual.) For many years I had played with the idea of holding some form of classes. The problem there, as I saw it, was that I don’t have a desire to teach. Where most teachers get their fulfillment in seeing a lesson well learned, I don’t have any emotional investment in seeing my philosophies put into action by others. It’s the expressing of them I like. What another does with them is not of much concern to me, although I do injoy when they find them beneficial. I do not have the intent of a teacher.
Nevertheless, last year I found myself conducting classes out of my home. It, at the least, gave me an opportunity to put to practice some of the concepts I wanted to explore. And it provided me with others that I could discuss concepts with. What I noticed right away though was that I did not like conducting the exercises as much as participating in them. For example, I couldn’t meditate while leading others in a meditation. I also did not like being the leader. It seemed a very one-way street with me conducting and others following my lead. They were happy, but I was not.
Then I moved. So the classes came to a halt with promises of their continuance once I was settled in. But things did not progress as assumed. I noticed that I did not settle in like I usually do. In fact, it’s much later and I still do not have any of my decorations up. Furniture is placed, cupboards are filled, but not even one picture is hung. Anything that I would usually do to make my home inviting has not been done. This is not to say that I feel uncomfortable, rather I’ve realized that things are not what one needs to feel comfort.
So as interest in my classes resurfaced I noticed how I wasn’t prepared. My house was in no form to greet others. It made me wonder. I realized I really wasn’t all that interested in conducting classes again. I did want to continue exploring with others, but holding classes held no appeal. I began to really question what would be appealing to me.
About this time I had a dream. In the dream I was doing exactly what I wanted to do. I had found my bliss. I woke without the memory of what it was specifically, but I did remember the feeling. The feeling of what it was I was doing, and I loved it. It felt like being eight years old again, waking up on a beautiful sunny summer vacation day and remembering that it was a very special day. Today I was going to —- insert you’re own favorite memory! The excitement and pleasure with which I was looking forward to something was incredible. I knew that this was the direction to which I should turn my attention, to feeling this. Not to figuring things out in any logical, methodical method. But to remember, to uncover, what makes me feel this way.
So I began exploring. I questioned everything I did as to how much pleasure it gave me. I made a list and kept it handy on the fridge, listing everything I liked, specifically. I found I liked wide views. I’d always assumed I’d liked high views, being drawn up, up, up to look out at panoramic views. But as I dug into myself deeper and deeper I uncovered that it was not the height I craved, it was the wide-ness.
I discovered that I liked talking more than listening. Or so it seemed at first glance. Over the years some people had said that I didn’t listen to them because I talked so much. Although I always responded (appropriately and acceptably) feeling ashamed and insulted, part of me did not agree with their judgment. Also, many more told me that I understood them far better than others who had known them for much longer. And that I had a gift for knowing and expressing back to them in words they themselves could not form, exactly what is was they were feeling. I uncovered that it was not that I didn’t like to listen, or didn’t listen, but that I listened with my inner senses. I very naturally connected empathically and telepathically, and so the actual words were not as necessary for me.
Another area that I wanted to explore was what I term my tweaky-ness. I tweak people. As Natalie Merchant says in her song, “I’m a challenge to your balance.” Where most people naturally gravitate to similarities, I gravitate to differences. I do not do it to tweak. I do not do it to simply offer differences. Indeed, I offer my perception of differences in an effort to show that ultimately everything is the same. When someone wants an aspirin for a headache, I do not offer the idea of meditation as a better solution, I offer that any method is just that, another method. It doesn’t matter whether you take an aspirin, meditate, take homeopathic remedies or put on an ice pack. They are all simply methods to perform the same action – ridding yourself of a headache.
This tweaky-ness of mine has caused me much concern for most of my life. Many people are put off by it, and many people are also drawn to it. Within my automatic response to knowing I would tweak people, many times I would tweak on purpose in some mixed up form of defense for myself. I also noted that no matter how I tried not to tweak, I did. This is where I really uncovered my choice; to either accept this about myself and assume it was beneficial for both me and others, or to constantly do battle with myself fully knowing that I would never win. Once I decided to go on the premise that it was beneficial for both me and others, I no longer felt the need to add the element of defensive aggression. This, in itself, gentled the intensity of it’s affectingness. I became more trustful and accepting of myself, and this was reflected in my relationships.
I also knew that whatever I did, it would revolve around the premises of “to thine own self be true” and “know thyself.” That continuously attempting to better oneself just led one to go around in circles, because there would always be that something that was not good enough. That as much as one tried to control ones thoughts and actions, that “bad” part would surface, and how was one to get rid of it? I thought that bad thought – how could I un-think it? If I tried and tried and really concentrated and focused on controlling every one of my thoughts, would there ever come a time when I would be driving that someone would pull out right in front of me, making me slam on my brakes, that my response would not be to think, “Asshole!” I think not. I realized the futility of thinking it would ever be, or if it ever were to be, it would not come from my concerted effort at avoiding feeling that way. In fact, to avoid thinking and feeling that way, I’d have to think that way to remember to avoid it. A vicious circle of self depreciation. The point is not to keep attempting to be acceptable, to create an acceptable self, but to accept oneself for what one is. Now. And in every now. This did not mean judging all my actions and thoughts as good, rather than bad, but stepping right outside of judgment. Stepping outside of the idea and belief system of duplicity.
So I had uncovered that I did not want to be in the role of teacher, that I loved to talk to people and communicated quite well using my inner senses, that I could offer an exchange of different information without necessarily putting someone off and that it would all revolve around uncovering our true, authentic selves and being accepting of them. I still had not determined exactly what it was that I wanted to do though.
…to be continued…
©2001, Dale Evans. All Rights Reserved. Printed in the Conscious Creation Journal. http://www.consciouscreation.com (Feel free to duplicate this article for personal use – please include this copyright notice and the URL.)
Dale Evans, Intuitive Facilitator, is a communicator offering FREE individualized and unique consulting and coaching (online, by phone and in person) based on the premise that no one needs fixing. We are who we are because it is purpose-full for us and is providing us value fulfillment.