Printed in the Conscious Creation Journal
August-Sept 1999, Issue 7
Holy Fuck: Sexual Embarrassment
by Mui
Is there anything worse than taking a risk, sexually-speaking, and ending up looking foolish and know that people are thinking things about you? It’s better, isn’t it, to just leave things as they are. Let those other wild people take the risks.
Now I would like to take issue with that sort of thinking. Those reading this are, I presume, familiar with the idea of creating one’s reality. You understand that your beliefs create your environment, your health, your emotional well-being, your financial state. You may be willing to do some strange things like follow sudden impulses in all kinds of ways in order to create something new or change some beliefs that are in your way.
Sex seems to rarely get this kind of attention. The sex roles, the gender roles, the ways in which people mate or don’t mate, the whole sex and love arena seems to be amazingly left behind in the fantastic world of reality-bending that so many people otherwise happily partake of. People still wait for a soulmate to arrive. People bemoan lack of partners. People quietly muse about what they might be missing in sex. People who know they don’t have what they want settle for not getting it, because they are sure that getting it will mean losing something else.
And people who are happily having wonderful sex keep it to themselves. It’s bad manners, after all, to talk about sex too much, and certainly flaunting one’s sex life is really not appropriate.
Examine those words from a YCYOR perspective. What in the world do they mean? Now I am not against social convention, for they belong to this time and this place that I chose to be born into, and I love it here dearly. But the abundance and ease and freedom of life in this day and age is, to me, a grand opportunity to spend some good quality time exploring my world. What is more my world than my body? And what more pleasurable way to explore it than through sex?
And yet, sex is kept on the fringes of reality creating. It is not considered a valid area for such things, by and large. After all, sex is sex, and relationships are relationships. Right? What is there to explore? Oh, sure, some people have a hangup or two, but most of us know exactly what we’re doing with sex and relationships. The path is there. The rules are there. Why fix something that isn’t broken?
Pardon me? Do we say this with our lives in general? Oh, it’s just fine, no desire to ever change a thing, I don’t give a hoot for more fun, or more expansion of my mind, more inner and outer worlds to explore, dear no, why do you ask?
Many beliefs are so utterly invisible and yet as real as the noses on our faces. For instance, simply talking about sex can bring up many uncomfortable feelings in both the talker and the listener. This is especially true if the discussion turns a bit deep and begins to probe under the surface of sexuality. Hey, that’s getting kind of personal! But this very feeling of discomfort covers up an enormous treasure pile of fascinating beliefs. To continue to talk, even when feeling this discomfort, can open amazing new doors and feelings. These are doors that would otherwise simply remain closed!
Now someone reading this and thinking, well, I guess maybe I should start talking more about sex, gulp, must not make the mistake of thinking it is therefore wrong to not talk about sex. Sex “shoulds” abound, and the idea is to simply begin to poke around and stretch a bit and see what is there. It will be uncomfortable. Fears of exposure, embarrassment, and looking foolish may arise.
But this is the fertile ground for exploration, and will always be so. No matter how much I learn about sex, no matter how comfortable I get with all kinds of people and experiences, I know there is always another level, or another door, that will make me go, oh my, this is a bit scary here. What has happened to me over the years, though, is that I no longer am stopped by such a thought. It excites me. I think of my sex life the same way I think of the rest of my life. It grows and expands and changes. There is always more. And so, there is always a point of discomfort awaiting me, and a new point of discovery.
The key for me in getting through fear of embarassment, or any kind of discomfort, is to realize again how much alike we human beings all are, and that our grand desires are so similar. Love, joy, pleasure, intimacy. They are simply expressed and experienced in different ways. It is only beliefs that keep us apart from each other. If you are feeling very inexperienced and unsure of yourself, or if you have pulled back because of unhappy experiences in the past, a simple stretch to something slightly different puts you in the same ball park as the wildly adventurous types like yours truly. Sex is common ground. Fears about sex are also common ground. And I use that word “sex” to include all aspects of sex, from flirting to gender roles to relationships and everything in which the subject rears its head.
So when thinking about something as seemingly simple as talking about sex in a real way, you may find yourself cringing inside a tiny bit. This is, like, normal as hell. Don’t run out and start blabbing wildly just because you think that’s what’s expected now. Simply look at what you’re feeling and examine the beliefs behind them. A simple act like that can change your world.
You may not want it to change. But if you do, the area of sex is the most powerful one I’ve found for making amazing transformations in all areas of my life. What I do in bed directly affects the rest of my life. My body is the most intimate part of my physical existence. Joining with another body is a sure way to set off all kinds of charges, both good and unhappy. If I create my own reality, I can drop the unhappy bits right out of the picture. Just as in creating a new job or new apartment or better health, creating one’s sex life is a totally inside out sort of thing. There is no unhappiness in sex unless we put it there. There is no danger in sex unless we put it there, and I speak of emotional danger as well as physical. There is no shame in sex unless we put it there. These come from cultural beliefs but are taken as truth in a very personal way by most people in the culture.
Expanding one’s ideas about sexuality expands one’s own self in a lot of powerful ways. For instance, Seth says quite unequivocally that we are all bisexual. I suspect that most people reading this would agree, intellectually. And yet how many are comfortable with the idea in a personal way? How many people have really looked at what the term even means? Bisexuality is often misunderstood. People often think it means that they must be ready to jump into bed with either sex at the drop of a hat. Bisexuals are assumed to be both equally horny for either sex, and promiscuous as well, since, after all, they fuck so indiscrimately.
Beliefs! I am bisexual because I can enjoy making love to a woman. Women don’t make me nearly as horny as men do though. Most of my sex is with men. But I love breasts, and I think women’s bodies are great things to touch and behold. Touching and beholding a naked women and licking her breasts is a sexual act. That makes me bisexual.
But beyond that, being open to expressing myself in a sexual way with both sexes has changed the way I view the world in a big way, and the way I view even myself. My role as a female is much more obvious to me, and much more flexible. I feel brave and confident. I don’t have as much anxiety out in the world. I’m comfortable being in different roles. I’ve seen both sexes up close and personal, and I see how alike we truly are. Bisexuality has shown me that we are not defined by our genitals. We are simply minds expressed through bodies, and it’s all wonderful. The mental and emotional differences between men and women seem, to me, to be interesting quirks. Fun to play with, and otherwise no big deal.
Now that’s just saying what this bisexual thing has done for me. It could do something very different for you. We are different, and that’s a good thing. I like the term “multi-sexual” that I recently came across. Each of us has our own unique self to bring to sex, and what we fear is wrong or weird about us is, in fact, our uniqueness. Such uniqueness, when accepted, opens doors to untold riches. The acceptance of self in a richer way is only one of them. The acceptance of others, exactly as they are, is another. The discovery of how wonderful human beings are, and what a true paradise we live in, is further icing on the cake. Which leads to the idea of abundance in all things, and then you get talking about money, and I could go on and on about how my beliefs have dramatically changed in all areas of my life, simply through opening up more to sex.
And what about the oodles of beliefs around relationships, and what is right and what works and what is wrong and what doesn’t work? I’m continually amazed at what works that isn’t supposed to. A relationship is as much a creative event as anything else in my life. I see it as an extension of myself. It is not something that landed on me and has its own rules that I must follow. The relationship springs from my own inner being, and my partner, or partners, create theirs too, and together we then meet in some kind of joyful freedom where we can truly just be who we are and be loved and appreciated for it.
There are many ways to uncover beliefs about sexuality that you may think are absolute truth, fact, and everyone knows this is so, whatever it is. A tool I have used with great success is to substitute the word “music” when talking about sex. The two things are very similar in my mind. They both provide pleasure of the sensual kind. People vary greatly in their tastes. Music can be used for simple enjoyment, or deep meditation, or exuberant romping, just like sex. It soothes, it heals, it makes you smile and it makes you cry. You can share music with another or listen to it all by yourself. It is endless in its ability to entertain and even transform the listener. There is no end to musical creations. They spring anew constantly.
So in my own mind, I think of music when discussing sex often. It’s amazing the things that are taken for granted as true when discussing sex that would be ridiculous when applied to music. If you know someone who listens to music all day long, do you dismiss him disdainfully as “obsessed with music?” If someone has a wide range of musical tastes, a very eclectic set of CD’s, do you say she is immature and can’t commit? If someone wants to listen to music with you, do you look at him suspiciously and think he only wants you for your ears?
See why I love playing around with sexual beliefs? They’re so funny! In the long run, we still create exactly what we expect to create. The payoff of seeing clearly what sort of beliefs are operating in yourself and those around you is that you get to very consciously choose what sort of sex life you yourself would like to experience. And that’s what you’ll get. Cool, no?
Sex is squarely in the middle of this creation drama we have going on here on earth. For my money, a little squirming with beliefs is worth the riches waiting for me on the other side of them.
©1999, Mui. Printed in the August-September 1999 Issue of the online Conscious Creation Journal. http://www.consciouscreation.com (Feel free to duplicate this column for personal use – please include this copyright notice.)
Mui on Mui: “A 43 year old California native, with some fresh insights on sex and relationships.”