While lying in bed the other night I was once again rerunning a small incident in my life. It's not one I'm proud to talk about.  It did however bring me to some extremely personal understandings on Seth's concept of natural guilt. My ex had given me the Frogger CD-ROM for Christmas but my miracle computer (a gift from a friend) just didn't have the processor to run it.  I had left the game at the ex-in-laws who had a new Pentium 200.

My small family was there a day or two after the big holiday.  My son was playing with his young aunts and uncles and I headed down to the computer, wanting to hide from it all.  I do not like visiting with the in-laws.  When I get there, what do I see on the screen but a computer game of Monopoly, the Star Wars version.  It was just sitting there, no one playing but obviously in the middle of a game.

Now, I could go into the two years I had lived there in the in-laws' house and how much resentment had been built up.  I could mention the way that the kids had been cruel and snotty and my own bitterness at the whole family.  I could even bring up the birth control I was on and how it made me feel insecure, small and petty.  I won't however. Instead I'll just mention, I really really wanted to play Frogger.  I mean... Really!

I stand and debate with myself.  On the Monopoly game, I look for any sort of a save option, a minimize, anything so I could keep this game on the side but I don't see it.   My mind offers an excuse:  If I turn it off I can say I figured it would ask me to save the game, most other games offer this choice...yeah, that's acceptable. I do it.  I turn the game off and start my Frogger.  There was no save option.

The kids were extremely upset - it had taken them hours to reach that point.  I plead ignorance etc.  They didn't really believe but accepted my apology with grumbling grace.  I felt like crap.  I knew I was lying and knew what I had done was wrong.

Time passed. Six months later I laid in bed, the whole incident clear in my mind as I tried to sleep.  I couldn't understand why I wasn't letting this go.  Then I realized... Ahhhh, THIS is guilt.  I'm still feeling guilty over it.  No matter how I rationalized I knew it was wrong.  Knew it at the time.

How?  Eagerly I remembered the emotions I'd had at the time.  The feeling of agitation and that what I was doing was wrong.  Natural guilt - hidden , rationalized, and disguised until it turned into long-term, keep you awake at night, guilt.

At this point I was able to let the guilt go.  I learned from it, staying up, analyzing it.  I learned that when I'm in the middle of a decision to take a deep breath and see how I feel.   So there I lay, once again awake, trying to decide if I should get out of bed and write down this experience or if I would manage to remember it in the morning - remember what I had just learned.  So instead of staying awake for another hour agonizing if I should get up or risk it I took a deep breath.  I felt good about staying in bed.  I knew I would be able to remember this later.  (See I was right too.)

The flip side of natural guilt is Inherent Ethics.  Each person has an ethic system born into this world with them.  It's an inherent connection to the whole of life that will tell a person what the right action is in each and every situation, if listened too.  Unfortunately, most do not and will not trust their inner guidance.  They believe the flesh is weak and evil and human beings inherently will harm one another if there were no order or laws to keep us in line.  The opposite is true.  Many of our mistakes and pain come from ignoring the internal guidelines by feeling unsafe and following the ego's external judgment.

Personally I'm learning slowly but surely to recommit myself to myself everyday.  To listen, to take deep breaths and to check in.  But most of all when I can feel an action is wrong to change my own actions and let the incident go how it will.

©1998, Marsha Brown. Printed in the October 1998 Issue of the Conscious Creation Journal. (Feel free to duplicate this article for personal use - please include this copyright notice.)  http://www.consciouscreation.com/