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The Spiral of Integrating Power
By Kristen N. Fox
At first I was just following
my intuition, doing what I felt I was energized to do, hoping I was going
SOMEWHERE. Somewhere different than where I had been and different
than WHO I had been. Fundamentally, I was stepping into my own power
and stepping out of my role as a victim although I didn’t know that when
I started. Victim-thinking can appear in different dramas for each
of us - some of us may feel powerless in dealing with money, or men/women
issues, or family, or career, etc. These “issue” areas can be some
of the most challenging and rewarding aspects of becoming aware enough
to turn ourselves around and start creating joyful situations instead
of struggles and duality.
When I first started confronting
those semi-detached areas of myself where I believed in fear and separation
and powerlessness, I was happy just to get through them at all.
I floundered between great anxiety and then great relief in huge tides
of emotion. I didn’t know what I was doing - I just knew that I
was, at various time, being faced with “real” situations that caused me
to doubt everything my heart was telling me. Was I crazy?
What was I THINKING? The world was showing me how wrong I was to
believe in what I did and it appeared I was being cocky enough to think
I knew better. Could I trust myself? What was going to happen
NEXT??
After a while, I got a
better FEEL for these situations, as there seemed to be an energetic patterning
beneath the seemingly disparate surface effects or events. I connected
these uncomfortable situations with ideas that I had regularly, if unconconsciously,
thought about and yet had payed no more attention to than background elevator
music. Ahhh, I thought, so THIS is what it means that we get what
we focus on - this is how I was focusing/creating in this area!
So, for a while I battled these thoughts, desperately trying to get rid
of them so I could to focus on what I WANTED to create instead.
But resistance really IS futile and I grew tired of pushing myself to
be so ever-vigilant and paranoid.
By the next round of uncomfortable
or fear-based situations, my eyes opened even further. Instead of
fighting them or trying to look away when I could do nothing but gape
at my own creation, I gave in. Giving in felt like a defeat at first,
especially after years of knowing that STRUGGLE was the way to get ahead,
but it was all there was left to do. I stopped trying to fix, or
hold at bay, or manage these unconscious creations of mine. I knew
I couldn’t keep the “damage control” up forever and didn’t really want
to anymore.
I started to look at my
creations and how I habitually felt about them and myself when I was in
these situations. I stopped re-acting (acting again), stepped back,
and started OBSERVING myself. Who was I in these situations and
how did I feel about them and myself at these times? Finally I saw the
judgment and rejection I was applying to these supposedly “bad” situations,
those places where I knew only conditional self-acceptance. Could
I love myself even when I was NOT “okay” or when I wasn’t doing what I
“should”? For even as I observed, I certainly didn’t FEEL okay.
Or did I?
The observer allowed me
to take that step away, allowed me to see the larger perspective of ME,
and therefore, to stop identifying so exclusively with the duality and
judgment in these situations. I started to trust my inner voice,
my heart, and to open up, just a little, perhaps.
And then a weird thing
happened. I was feeling great, trusting myself and my creations, and whump
- it all happened again! What? As aware as I was I found myself
reaching into that familiar box to pull out those old reactions again...
and I found out the box was empty. I tried to feel frustrated, but
you know what? I really didn’t. I tried to feel powerless,
but I really didn’t. I didn’t feel ANY of the old emotions that
I had attached to these situations. Apparently, somewhere along
the spiral of awakening, I had dropped them, perhaps so I could climb
with both hands free.
I looked over these creations
and felt as if I saw them for the first time, like examining an apple
in my open palm. These parts of me had only been trying to get my
attention. They weren’t huge, intimidating monsters. They’d been
consistently showing me the parts of me I had been struggling with, both
inside and outside. Ahhh, I said again, I see. What seemed
like “real life situations that needed to be dealt with responsibly and
in the manner expected” weren’t all they seemed to be, weren’t all I had
believed them to be. They were just... me.
I saw the spiral I had
been riding, around and around, gradually up and out of the entanglement
of conditional love and limitations that is the illusion of duality and
codependence. Soon I discovered that I was no longer spinning and
was riding straight up the center of that spiral.
I felt love. I felt
power. I realized that I was very familiar with these things.
All the places of my life where I created effortlessly and without thinking
twice were simply SATURATED of these feelings, these vibrations.
I had been riding this one victim-spiral so long however, that it shocked
me that the current result of the ride should feel so familiar and yet
so amazing all at once. A new coat of paint in an old room.
Why am I writing about
all of this? Because conscious creation isn’t JUST about creating
the experiences we want in physical reality, it’s a pathway of self-awareness
and expansion. As we step along, we re-integrate those parts of
ourselves we’ve been struggling against and step into the powerful love
of wholeness. We create in physical reality what we are - sometimes
it just takes us a while to remember what exactly that is - powerful creators
shaking cobwebs from our heads. That’s when we understand that creating
isn’t work - when we really understand that all we have to do is accept
ourselves to accept what we want in order to BE/HAVE what we want.
[Originally published
in The Edge, June 1999.]
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